Ambiguous Daughter

Though time passes on
My clock sitting still
A void much too strong
I simply cannot fill

It's been ten years
Since I last held you close
In an effort to breathe
This poem I'll compose:

My ambiguous daughters
you were just under three
I was the best mommy
that I knew how to be

There sadly came a day
I thought never would be
On my knees I would pray
You'd come back to me

In a tiny cramped room
I held you for an hour
I said that I was sorry
I'd lost all my power

The social worker warned
I had to walk away
our time was over
They wouldn't let me stay

Gabby rushed to her coat
it was purple with fur
Never will I forget
the aching cry from her

Mommy she cried
I want to go in your car
Her young spoken grief
left an ageless scar

Falling to my knees
I held her secure
I promised her soon
for this I was sure

Maddy still young
yet smart and aware
cried with her sister
helpless wimpers of despair

Never had I known
Children so sad
my daughters were alone
A corrupt systems' fad

A mom at eighteen
with flaws I confessed
Not given one chance
with a truth they suppressed

Time has passed slow
eleven years of grief
I vow to my daughters
my promise to keep

Twelve and Thirteen
your pictures bring me peace
Behind a laptop screen
My love cannot cease

Wherever you are
any hour, day or time
I want you to know
this is more than a rhyme

I carry you with me
through the sunshine and stars
I'll forever hold on
to what's rightly only ours

Whatever you've heard
or perhaps may have not
what you might remember
or have even forgot

I must reach out
in any possible way
even if you'll never
come back to me one day

You are loved beyond love
You are missed beyond time
to myself you're a part of
Far beyond just a rhyme

Book Review - Second Firsts

Second Firsts: Live, Love and Laugh Again

I listened to this audio book recently, as I was suffering from one of my frequent bouts of insomnia. I've lived my life for the last 15 years...completely empty and suffering. Long Blue Line: Based on a True Story is my own personal memoir and it doesn't have an ending with closure for the reader, and the same has been true for my life (as the author).

Society has responded to my pain by telling me that I have depression, anxiety, and pretty much any other mental illness you can think of. Frustrated and exhausted, I was laying in bed and browsing on audible hoping that I could find something - anything - to help me find some sort of answer or relief.

For the first time in my life, this book gave me solid answers that made sense. Also, for the first time in my life, I was able to accept and understand that I have not been able to move beyond my grief, many years later.

I have been sitting in the "waiting room" as the author calls it, and I have not allowed myself to transition from my previous life into my new life. The author points out that many of us are living in the "waiting room", mistaking this for our new life. It's living in a gap that's in between transitioning, and this gap is a constant state of misery and lifeless existence.

The author points out some very common, yet unhelpful views that our current society has on grief. Time does not heal all wounds. Consciously being aware of our grief yet having the ability to remain in the present, instead of mentally re-living the grief, is a good step forward.

Some of us have profound loss in our lives that society does acknowledge, but others also have "invisible losses" where there's deep sadness within a person but it's not spoken of (divorce, for example).

I truly believe that anyone could benefit from reading this book. The author comes from a place of educational knowledge, practical knowledge as well as deeply insightful knowledge as she has experienced her own loss, first-hand.

Whether you want to find comfort and insight for yourself and your own grief, or want to have the ability to help others in their time of need, this book is for you and  100% a must-read!